The Tinder Games

This latest match has wavy black hair, sweet blue eyes, and perky tits that she shows off in low-cut tops and dresses in all her photos. According to her profile, she is nineteen years old and lives twenty-two miles away—probably a student at the state college. One picture features a small, pampered-looking Pomeranian; I decide to use this as the ice-breaker.

Hey there. Cute dog, what’s its name?

My eyes linger on the screen for a few seconds, and then I put the phone down on the table and pour a glass of water. When I return to the sofa, I see that I’ve already gotten a reply.

Lucky! He’s my long distance boyfriend lol 😍

I shift my eyes from the phone to the television and absentmindedly watch the news for a few minutes. It is still early in the conversation, and I don’t want to seem overeager. After a riveting story on some subway station crime, I turn back to the match.

Long distance, huh?
Let me guess. You’re in college, and Lucky’s back home. 😔

I had read somewhere that men who flirt with emoji were significantly more likely to get what they wanted. So far, it’s worked pretty well for me.

It doesn’t take long for the match to confirm my hypothesis and start flirting back—hard. The match goes from fawning over her dog to making fun of the “boring” boys at her school to telling me the things she would do for me if I were ever to visit. She lives in an off-campus apartment with two roommates who both happen to be away visiting their families, but she doesn’t expressly invite me over. Probably just enjoys teasing.

We gradually ramp up our messaging relays to a steady and rapid pace, dropping all coy pretenses of being cool and detached. Eventually:

All this talk is turning me on
And making me hungry at the same time 😂 😂
I could really go for some pizza

I know what’s coming. This has been much easier than expected.

Sorry, guess I tend to have that effect on people. 😇
Wish I could take you out to dinner in person tonight.
How about you let me buy you a pizza instead?

The reply arrives nearly instantaneously.

Would you really?
That’d be amazing!!
Your so sweet

A beautiful girl like you should never go hungry.
What would you like and what’s your address?

1449 broad st #5a
Could you get me a large pie with sausage and peppers
From Frankie’s
Thanks a bunch 😁

Should be there in about 45 minutes.

Lol omg I can’t believe you actually did it!
Too funny, I love it
Thanks again, your the best!!!

Haha I know, I’ve never done anything like this before either.
Hey I gotta go…
But enjoy your pizza! Talk to you later. 😆

Precisely forty-five minutes later, I ring the doorbell of 1449 Broad St, #5A, in the college town. I’m wearing a generic-looking polo shirt and old, faded jeans, carrying the box of a pizza I really did order—and paid for in cash upon pickup. The match excitedly opens the door, wearing a tank top and shorts and looking just as beautiful as she does in her profile pictures. This is going to be so good.

I abruptly push my way into her apartment, shoving her aside and startling her. “Hey, asshole! What do you think you’re doing?” I drop the pizza box on the floor. Quickly, I yank away the arm she is extending toward me, pull the switchblade from my pocket with my other hand, and slide it smoothly across her throat. She crumples to the floor and stares at me in horror, unable to speak. Rivulets of blood escape from the gash and seep into the carpeted hallway. So beautiful, and so easy.

Kerry and I liked to play what we called “Tinder games.” It started when we were hanging out at my place one night, drinking wine and talking about a hot guy in our sociology class who may or may not have just broken up with his girlfriend and been making sneaky glances at Kerry and/or me. Following some silly thread of logic that I assure you made much more sense in the moment, in order to settle this, we decided to get on our phones and see who could get a match on Tinder first.

After that, we changed our profile settings to look for girls, and we raced to see who would get the first lesbo match. The variations and rules got more and more complicated as time went on: the first to match with a guy with specific features, with someone at least fifty years old, with someone who would have a funnier reply to the same message, and so on.

Our latest challenge was to get some random person on Tinder actually to buy us something. We figured this would kill two birds with one stone: provide great entertainment, and get us free stuff. Just a couple hours after we agreed on this, I matched with a decently cute blond guy named Jeff, who had a super nice and friendly-looking smile. Last seen: twelve minutes ago.

He messaged me a few minutes later, asking about my dog Lucky. They always asked about Lucky, but I never got tired of it. I figured some guys probably needed more help with ideas for conversation starters—and anyway, I would never get tired of talking about my baby! I told Jeff that I went to the state college and missed Lucky very much because he was back home with my parents.

Jeff was pretty sweet and easy to talk to, but also seemed kind of passive and easy to whip. He seemed like just as good a candidate as any for our game. I texted Kerry:

Think I got one! Let the tinder games begin 😂

I started hinting at Jeff that he should come visit sometime. I lived in an apartment off campus, not in a dorm that would have annoying key-card swipes and stuff, so I told him it would be fun and convenient. It’s easy to get guys to be more willing to do stuff for you when you get them thinking about sex! Then I changed gears suddenly and told him I was hungry.

Wish I could take you out to dinner in person tonight.
How about you let me buy you a pizza instead?

Could it be? This was a lot easier than I thought! I told him the name of my favorite pizzeria and gave him my address, and he replied right away that my order was on its way. Ha, this was awesome! What a sucker! I texted Kerry some more:

Just got some guy from tinder to buy me 🍕!!
Wanna come over and have some and bask in my victory?

I was actually starving, so I was quite excited for my free pizza. What on earth did girls do for fun before Tinder?

Based on the ostensibly true story, Girls Are Shamelessly Using Tinder To Get Guys To Buy Them Pizza.

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