The Abuser does not value or respect you as an equal. His own thirst for control takes priority over your health, happiness, and well-being. You find yourself doing things you would have previously believed to be out of character, and never in a good way. Apologizing for having the nerve to go out with your own friends for once instead of his. Crawling for his forgiveness after spilling the beer and making him hurt you. Needing to prove your love in various ways from which he himself remains curiously exempt.
(There are plenty of existing studies and literatures that describe abusive behavior far better than I am qualified to do, so this description is by no means comprehensive.)
You stay with him because he is uncannily manipulative and knows how to charm you into believing he is not a monster even after you’ve felt his claws and fangs.
This type of partner offers little to no value to you in a relationship. Although he does not actually hurt or manipulate you, he is still a burden who drags down your sense of self-worth lower than it would be if you were simply single. He is a leech and perpetual work-in-progress wholly uninterested in making an effort.
Be careful not to assume someone is a Loser simply because earns a lower salary or does not know how to cook. A partner can and should improve your quality of life in many other important ways: emotional support, quality time, exposure to new interests and experiences, humor, assistance with chores, and so on. A Loser may achieve some of these from time to time, but the overall picture is bleak.
You date him when you think you don’t deserve any better.
When the circuits are on, this individual can be a great Friend—maybe even a Saint (see below). He spends tons of time with you, makes you laugh, and remembers key details. When they’re off, he is cool and distant, leaving you wondering what he’s up to or what you might have done to push him away. This fluctuating, unpredictable behavior can make him seem addictively mysterious and intriguing to the unseasoned dater. Furthermore, because there seems to be so much potential for a real relationship, you can’t help thinking you might be able to change him and/or get him to fall in love with you someday.
You see him when you crave those intense intervals of passion. When you become surer of yourself and what you want, the lack of communication and commitment becomes unacceptable.
This is not about the “friendzone,” a fallacious concept typically popular with immature, disgruntled victims of unrequited infatuation. Rather, the Friend is someone you date because you have a lot of things in common and get along well. You both love outdoorsy activities, evenings of wine and board games, and the HBO show Westworld. You have generally similar worldviews and life goals, though some of the nuances may differ or even conflict.
Occasionally, you may undergo periods of restlessness and wonder if there should be “more.” Maybe you should be looking for someone with a value system that aligns more closely with yours, or who inspires more passion and drive. You then dismiss these questions as side effects of having heard too many fairy tales as a kid.
Ultimately, you stick with the Friend since he is loyal and has never done anything wrong, and you do not know if you would be able to find anyone better.
The Saint is infinitely, mind-bogglingly patient. He is always kind, understanding, and respectful. He is never angry with you when you forget “one last thing” on your way out the door, lead him several blocks in the wrong direction in search of a restaurant, or accidentally punch him in the stomach in your sleep. He makes you feel motivated, energetic, and stronger.
Dating the Saint is undoubtedly easier and better than the Abuser or Loser, but it comes with its own surprising set of difficulties. You feel ashamed for being annoyed at him for trifling matters because you know he would never do the same to you. When you hurt him, the awareness inflicts deeper pain within yourself than any rage-filled screaming match. You are forced to reflect upon your own faults and how to become a better person.
You hold onto him because he is the embodiment of grace and unconditional love.